According to a recent study by the Center for American Progress, fewer than 3.5 percent of ALL families in the United States, at ALL income levels, employ a nanny for child care. Yes, you read that correctly. For middle-income families that number drops to less than 0.5 percent. You may be thinking, “So, if that’s the case, what’s with all the nanny themed books and television shows???”
Super Nanny, Nanny 911, Nanny Professor, The Nanny Chronicles, The Nanny Diaries, et al.
Whether you’re a single mother or not, a working mother or not, living near your family of origin or not, mothering is a BIG TIME job and since we’ve all learned that it “takes a village” some folks are fixated on the non-blood relation “villagers”.
Think of how difficult it can be at a new job to learn the political aspects of the workplace, then multiply that by about one thousand percent and bring it into your home 24/7 – that personal relations dynamite is a live in nanny. Factor in probable philosophical differences in child rearing practices, language barriers (if you hire someone whose native tongue is not your own), scheduling issues, etc, etc. No one wants the cell phone-obsessed nanny, the terminally-texting au pair, the boob-tube prone sitter, or the governess who ties up the house phone while the children are in a bath. Relying on someone else to act as a parent in your place when you cannot or choose not to be there is a very delicate thing. In fact, hiring in-home childcare can be compared to the selection process for a spouse or partner. It is THAT important to be similarly matched in order to avoid the inevitable pitfalls of a daily relationship where the stakes are as high as raising one’s sons and daughters.
Some people believe that just because someone employs a nanny they necessarily relegate the demands of motherhood to the nanny. In some cases that may be true, but, often times the very few people with nanny in tow are just like everyone else…struggling with deadlines, errands, traffic, time constraints i.e. trying to meet the demands of their lives and hoping that it all ends well for everyone concerned at the end of the day. Having lived in an area with a higher nanny population than most, I have witnessed countless hands-on parenting by individuals with a nanny at home. While nannies may be portrayed as substitute parents on television, it has been my experience that nothing can replace the core values of the actual parents, their approval, their investment of time spent with their child (children) or the tough decisions we all face everyday in the job of trying to make the best, most educated decisions for our babies.
While having in-home childcare may seem like a cakewalk to those without, consider how familiarity often breeds contempt, how it may feel to watch your child running to someone else for comfort when you’ve been forced to dole out parental discipline, what a mother feels when it’s her nanny watching her child take their first steps (while she’s at work paying for the privilege of missing cherished milestones)…. Despite all this, when that ideal pairing does happen and an employee becomes a member of the “family”, trust exists coupled with convenience and a cohesiveness in partnering to parent, then you have achieved what can only be referred to as parental utopia!
So, the next time you imagine how grand life would be with a little extra help and fancy yourself a prospective household for “Super Nanny” or the like, just remember, the binding on the book may appear vastly different, but the inside is mostly the same. Either way, be sure to count your blessings in what some regard as the toughest job Mother Nature can toss your way: mothering.
*Update – Karen from Hollywood Farm did a follow up post too! Love that this caused so much conversation!
Related posts:
Ok I have hired my share of nannies for my three kids – some were great some were not – and I have also been a nanny (and now those kids are grown up with their own kids and one of whom is a doctor!). My kids have also done after school care, day care etc, and even BRIEFLY I stayed home for one summer with them…. all in all I agree that if you find the right match its HEAVEN – and that person becomes like a sister to the kids and to you….my kids adored their “feder” aka Heather who was a college student, and they never felt she was replacing me nor did I feel like I was being replaced.
I did have a live-in nanny for 18 months after the birth of my twins – 24 years ago. My nanny was my younger sister (19 at the time), so was maybe an easier transition and relationship, and in other ways more difficult. The big thing is that it was EXPENSIVE> salary, room & board, use of car, and then EI and CPP paid out and 4% vacation pay. We could not claim any of this for time that I was on maternity leave – and when I needed the most. At that time there was no benefits that covered help required due to multiple birth. There may be now. NOTE: I am Canadian and maternity benefits, leave and assistance are different than in USA.
Definitely it is a difficult decision, to have another person living with you, especially during the intimate time after birth. We also had a 2 year old to tend to at time. I do not recall any issues with being jealous or concerned that my children would love the nanny more, but then I was really too tired and glad to be able to not deal with ALL of it.
Hiring a nanny is a LUXURY!!
It is a luxury simply due to fact that most people cannot afford. We went into debt as found it was a necessity to us and our sanity at the time, and for me to maintain my career.
In the end , I lost that career several years later due to cutbacks within the healthcare field – so maybe it would have been better to hire for first 6 weeks, and have been a stay at home mother.
Maybe …
I had an au pair for 3 years…the first one was good but we had “teenager” like problems with boys. The 2nd one was awesome…she stayed for 2 years and became part of the family. Like a sister. We are so excited to have her come visit later this year (3 years since she left our family!)
I don’t feel hiring a nanny is a horrible devious thing. Parenthood is NOT easy and for those of us who do not have the luxury of hiring a “nanny” we still rely on the help of family,friends,daycare etc.which really is basically the same thing–isn’t it? You just need someone to help you and cover for the times you can’t be there physically. However, had I the finances to hire a fulltime nanny I still do not think I would have a live in nanny–but thats just my personal preference. I realize there are certain families that may require it –profession may call for such as Doctors, EMT’s, Firemen, Military etc..any profession where you may called away at any given moment without notice…….But for me? I work a 9-5 day. So to have someone there during those times who could run some errands and do some light housekeeping while I am work to save me the hassle would be perfect……I could send her home at 6pm and since my chores were pretty much kept on top of, I could spend QUALITY time with my child. So for me I don’t feel a “live-in” Nanny would suit me. I guess thats it really-you just need to find what situation suits your family and the right person to suit your situation.
My sister lives across the hall from me, I was at her place when she discovered she had to run downstairs –she asked if I could stay for a moment with the kids while she did so–Of course!! they are my beloved nephews and as a mother myself I understood her need of just wanted to run downstairs without having the hassle of dragging a 3 month old and a 3 year old which would have turned a 5 minute trip into 45 minute ordeal. ——same thing a nanny would do so whats the difference really? And some people do not have family around to do those favors.
I really don’t think having your Nanny watch your childs first steps is more or less heartbreaking then if the babysitter or daycare worker saw them.
Thanks for inspiring my last post with your nany mention! It’s a hard job that you’ve got to love!
I could never have a live in nanny, I’m not even good with houseguests in my space
BUT, my SIL and friends have been live in nannies and loved it and created life lasting relationships with those families/parents. So true that it’s like finding a spouse! Great post!
I feel the same way. I just don’t like people in my space all the time.
Having someone in your space is hard, no doubt about that!
I just read this book and then watched the movie actually so good timing! I had a nanny (not live-in) when my kids were much younger and my son (the youngest) was first born and I had to go back to work. It was a GREAT help! Now my kids are in school so there is no need but my old nanny still comes and cleans for me once in a while. Also a huge help!!