Photo by Lisa Nalven Photography
There is a great piece of wisdom from India, which encapsulates the very essence of the foundation for child rearing throughout the ages.
“A child must be brought up to understand the word NO. He should be taught yes first of all, then, yes and no, then no and yes, in such a way that he gradually comes to realize that there is really only NO. A child’s education is learning to understand the concept of no, and thus enables him to grow. Growing up means accepting the concept of “no” -Swami Prajinanpad
So many of us struggle with the ever-blurring line between the guilt of working and providing/surviving and over-indulging and when enough is enough, for ourselves and for our children. We all want to raise decent human beings, healthy, happy, contributing to the welfare of society and self-sufficient. How we arrive there has as many paths and possibilities as we have names. There is no right or wrong way; only paths and we all must choose the best way for our family and circumstances.
Since when did we become so soft on discipline? I know it’s easier to give in than it is to stand firm and set clear boundaries but, isn’t that part of the job description? How can we expect to raise strong and resilient, resourceful people if we don’t demonstrate those same qualities ourselves…it’s all about the leadership. No child deserves a private club membership, a wardrobe replete with designer labels, trips to the salon, the latest video games, etc, etc. There are times when a reward is nice to recognize an achievement, or something special is warranted for a birthday, Bar/Bat Mitzvah, First Communion, but, as a matter of course, day in day out…
We all know a friend with that bratty child, the ones that will whine incessantly when faced with an answer they don’t like. The one with a parent who instead of sticking to their proverbial “guns”, will throw in the towel and give said whining child whatever it is they want just to stop the wailing. How can we expect that child (as we project into the future) to cope with adversity, with not getting THEIR way when they don’t learn the basic skills as children? Often times, these same children become incapable of dealing with adversity in school, interacting with others (now they have the internet to hide behind so they don’t even have to develop intrapersonal skills), an overbearing boss, or, worse, they expect YOU to care for them throughout their life, because…they expect it (and guess what – look no further than your mirror for the culprit).
Should we really deprive our cherished offspring of life’s often unfair and tough lessons? Is in not better for them to learn from those who love them most of all about how to handle a challenge (even if that challenge is that all their other friends get to do/go/have such and such a thing or place and they cannot). If we take the long view, perhaps it is better not to get them that iPad, new car, trip to Prague and teach them that some things are most rewarding when they are earned. Even though it is difficult to say no when we have the means and it doesn’t change our life in the least to give in. In the end, maybe “no” isn’t such a bad word after all?
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So true. Thanks Tiff, well said.
I am in 100% agreement that we should not provide every want and whim to our children. Such entitlement deprives our children of feeling true accomplishment. If our children grow up receiving everything they could possibly want, they will never understand the “value” of anything. Take a look around, this phenomena is an epidemic in this country. Time to tighten our belts and say “NO”!!
Agree. Agree. Agree. No is a beautiful word. It creates boundaries and an understanding of the real world.
Tiffany very well written. As a preschool teacher, I totally agree with you. Children are smarter than what we give them credit for. You think they whine as children, wait until they become teenagers.
I hate to cast a dissenting vote– well in this case I concur but with a caveat. Too often parents say “no” and do not understand the implications. I believe the child has a right to question authority and to explain her reasons why a “no” in the particular case is unfair. True, the parent makes the ultimate decision but an informed one is certainly preferable to that proceeds from mere authority.
Good article.
Then…comes the time when every other word back from the child is “NO”…AHHHHHH!!! Terrible 2′s/3′s…they know NO
well written again, saying no, is a must, if only was easy to do, look at that face
Excellent article, Tiffany. I couldn’t agree more, however, it’s very difficult to overcome that parental desire to please. Without question, we should have said no more often.
I AGREE 100%!! I applaud you for standing up and acknowledging that this is a problem and becoming more prevalent. I know I have little room to speak considering I am not yet a parent but when I was a child my parents did not debate or try to rationalize with me why they said “no”. No was no and I had to accept it. Believe it or not I did survive and I did not turn out a derelict. I watch parents today trying to be “friends” with their children rather than the parental role model that is so important in the early years. Parents don’t realize they are paving a very difficult road for themselves as well as for their children in the long run. A strong friendship is developed with parents with time and after there is an appreciation for why the “no’s” were said that one could not possibly understand at an early age. EXCELLENT article Tiffany – Thank you!
My son is 11 years old and I must say that I have followed this guideline…As we know our kids have away to wear us down…..and he has at times!!
I also believe that its very possible that most parents don’t have their own control to follow the guidelines stated….therefore we need to ALL learn from this discipline…Imagine saying no to that piece of chocalate cake that we must have…..
Sorry for being a little bit of a pessimist but we all need to understand YES & NO…REALLY!!!
Love you Tiff…Nice work!!!
I loved the article and couldn’t agree more. I think saying no and then following through is the biggest challenge. The word no can create even larger problems if there aren’t consequences if the word no is disobeyed. Of course, it goes back to our own disipline in following through. Lord knows I spend half my days praying for strength to do the right thing. When do we find out if we are doing a good job? 25?
Really enjoyed the article, looking forward to some more thought provoking words from you.
Tammy
I say no if and when its appropriate to say no as a responsible parent. AND yes sometimes I have to say no we can’t get a big screen TV because we have to for the next month and as much as it hurts when Mason says “I like Dads house better because he has a big TV” I am not going feel guilty for buying groceys instead of that big screen.